Friday, December 14, 2007

11 things worse than being in Kuwait

Kuwait sucks. Envision the oppressive heat of Death Valley, but with much finer sand, and no mountains in the distance promising that something else, anything else, exists beyond the horizon. Then add layers upon layers of mandated micromanagement and bureaucratic inanity. Now add a litany of kiddie-glove pogue-tastic regulations and the infinite reach of the American military industrial machine, and The Suck forms, both as a theory and as an actual place. Hunter S. Thompson isn't streaking across the Mojave in an open convertible here, smoking up on the Madness and the Fear, searching for a new freedom. The desert in Kuwait offers only endless waves of tinted-window mystery, comortably tucked away in luxury SUVs. Sometimes they drive on paved roads, most of the time not, but their horns are always honking. (Quick aside: who needs a freakin' SUV in Kuwait? Haven't they heard of carbon emissions here? And no, they aren't hybrids. I checked.)

However, in the name of that troublesome trait burgeoning in the human spirit known as optimism - sometimes referred to as delusion - some of my guys and I figured there are at least 11 things worse than our current station. This was the end product. I mean, is there anything more American than a countdown list? Or the number 11? Throw in a dash of Gen Y's rampant abuse of hyperbole, and awesomeness is bound to ensue. These are all in addition to not getting shot at yet, of course. That's the obvious one.

11 things worse than being in Kuwait

11) Being Michael Vick right now. 15 months is less than 23 months, and feel free to insert dropping the soap in the shower joke here.

10) Having to embrace this part of The Suck in July, rather than in the far less demanding winter.

9) Being a Russian soldier at Stalingrad in World War II. It turns out things like "training," "guns," and "a plan" can be beneficial in battle.

8) Having to watch The Sopranos finale again. Worst. Ending. Ever.

7) Being trapped in a bear pit, ala Ron Burgundy in Anchorman. "I immediately regret this decision ... these bears are massive!"

6) Being stuck in that steel sardine can of a plane that brought us here in a 32-hour spastic joyride, whose flight pattern resembled Hellen Keller's coloring book. Again.

5) Being one of the star attractions at the La Brea Tar Pits.

4) Being the guy who introduced Lindsay Lohan to cocaine. Seriously, when I find out who you are, I will hunt you down personally and play your skull like a bongo drum with Guinness bottles. LiLo got me through the epical ice-storms of 2004, and she will be avenged for her rapid decrease in hotness.

3) Four words, six syllables: Married to Ike Turner. (What? Too soon?)

2) Being associated with the Warren G. Harding administration, in any form or fashion.

1) Being a Cleveland sports fan, eternally doomed to a black hole of what ifs and almosts. Oh wait. Damn it.

No comments: