Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Dear John

The first of my guys received a Dear John letter the other day. (Well, to be completely accurate, it was a Myspace message. Whatever. Same concept, new century.) While I'm not surprised it happened, I am a bit perturbed that it happened in the first freakin' month of our deployment. Who knows how many more Dear Johns await the Gravediggers. Here's hoping that my illustrious and beautiful girlfriend, City Girl, at least has the decency to Facebook my Dear John letter - a Facebook message is WAY more classy than a Myspace message. (I kid, I kid ... not about Facebook being more classy, though.)

Anyways, if you're unfamiliar with the contents of a Dear John letter, or are interested in penning one yourself, I've gone ahead and drawn up a composite sketch. All you have to do is fill in the specifics. You are more than welcome. Remember, I'm here to serve you. And yes, I'm aware that my writing can occasionally slip into the anachronistic and mysoginistic. Sometimes such is fair, sometimes not. This definitely falls into the former category, given the situation that sparked this post.

Dear (insert rank and name here):

Hi. I know it’s been a while since I’ve written. I’ve gotten all your letters … it’s just hard, you know? With you in (insert foreign nation here) fighting in (insert war from American history here), it’s not like things back home have been easy. Or simple. I don’t really know how to say this, so I’m just going to tell you like it is: I’ve met someone else. His name is Jody. I swear to God, I wasn’t looking for anything like this to happen – it just did and now we’re in love.

I know you have to hate me. I promised that this would never happen to us, but it did. Life’s funny like that, isn’t it? While you’re half a world away, getting shot at for a living by (insert enemy here), protecting freedom, justice, and the American way of life, I’m discovering my inner concubine, getting penetrated by Jody’s inferior geothermal thunderstick on a nightly basis. But he’s a far better cuddler than you ever were, he flatters me every morning, and he communicates with me! Imagine that, you insensitive prick.

What else needs to be said? You’re probably going to go crazy now, so you should recommend to your C.O. to take away your weapon for a couple of days. Suck it up, tough guy – remember, like you always told your friends, you can’t make a ho a housewife.

From your former dream forsaking you to a lifetime of what ifs,

(Insert every horribly negative term for a female here)

P.S. I’m keeping the dog.


Editor said...

"From your former dream forsaking you to a lifetime of what ifs." is a wonderful phrase, one that resonates, one that I will remember. So, tell me, when you can and when it's safe, how the young man feels after his fury subsides.

kim said...

Great sense of humor, tell your soldiers it is truely a blessing in disguise. Challening times brings out ones true character.

God Bless you all and keep you safe, thank you for all that you do and sacrifice.


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

the dear john letter sucks, or the dear john post sucks? cause i think the post is pretty darn funny

Teflon Don said...

Great post! I laughed, and linked you.

Caroline said...

It goes both ways you know, I got dumped over instant messenger by my boyfriend who was deployed! It makes for an awesome break up story so I can't be mad.

LT Nixon said...

Awesome blog. Jodies suck, I hear you there. I've seen 3 sailors wives run up all the bills on the credit card and leave town (presumably with a jody) when we were out to sea.

Anonymous said...

not to play devil's advocate, but my sense is it's never black and white.

Army Sergeant said...

So you know why everyone's suddenly visiting this older post, you've been linked by .

That said, man. Myspace? That's just wrong. I've only seen email and phone calls. Now I feel like me and my guys were pretty damn lucky.

Of course, one of them, no shit, did have his wife leave him for her personal fitness instructor.

The Old Man said...

I was DJ'd in the RVN in 1969. Used snail-mail, though.

You earned the link. Keep up the good work.

Humbled Infidel said...

I can't imagine someone sending a deployed Soldier a dear john letter. I just think that is so heartless and so selfish.

Daniel said...

They--whoever the proverbial 'they' is--say that the most difficult situations reveal what someone is really made of, so I suppose it's better to receive the "Dear John" letter early on rather than 25 years later.

That said, timing is everything and it's ridiculously wrong to send someone that letter while s/he is risking life and limb for our country. Actually, scratch that part about timing; it's wrong, period.