Thursday, April 17, 2008

The Gravediggers' Cache of Quotes (1)

This is long overdue. Four months into the Suck, and some brilliant (or otherwise) quips have been uttered by me and my men – usually in the hazy, ambiguous hours after midnight and before dawn. Rip-It abuse can only carry a man so far. Here’s the initial collection of bodacious, quotalacious wisecracks; some of them were intended, but as is the case with something so repulsively serious as war, most of them were not.

1- “But Sergeant … I do not mean to brag, but my dick. It will not fit into the hole.” Then PV2 Das Boot, who, after receiving a verbal class on pissing in an empty bottle while on mission from SSG Boondock, still did not grasp the concept of utilizing the air pocket rather than sticking his entire member into the hole. Only after a whiteboard class complete with sketch drawings, and much verbal harassment regarding the size of his dick hole, did PV2 Das Boot successfully urinate in a bottle.

2- “It would appear that da dogs be doin' something in Boss Johnson’s car. Oh wait … yep, it’s a fact. Da dogs be eatin’ what’s left of Boss Johnson.” SSG Bulldog, making a very vile post-carbomb scene okay for us to laugh about as a coping mechanism.

3- “I ain’t a redneck, I’m just country. Rednecks aren’t smart enough to go armadillo huntin.’” PV2 Hot Wheels, talking with PFC Boomhauer, and speaking a foreign language in the back of my Stryker.

4- “God damn it! There will be no ‘Weeees!’ or even any ‘WOWS!’ on this vehicle! Weeees and WOWS are reserved for firefights and IED strikes only!” LT G, losing my cool with my young privates. Over the course of a long OP mission, they decided to start poking one another in the ass with an antenna pole, leading to a reaction that startled me and unleashed my LT wrath. It was funny. In retrospect.

5- “I finally got my regulation-size balls. They came in the mail.” CPL Spot, referring to a care package that included baseballs for him to throw around. Testicle jokes are not a rare thing in this man’s Army, and almost always appropriate.

6- “Three deployments. Wow. Just think SGT Cheech, you’ve spent a tenth of your life in Iraq.”
“Ah, thanks for pointing that out. Next time, do me an actual favor and shoot me in the foot, okay?” SPC Flashback and SGT Cheech, pontificating on deployment cycles.

7- “Gah! I got dip in my skeeter bite! It burns!” SGT Axel, proving that poker isn’t all fun and games.

8- “What the fuck? It’s not like these god damn mother fuckers are the fucking Vietcong and tunneled the fuck out of here. Where the fuck did they fucking go?” SSG Boondock, the night of the (in)famous IED-emplacement. And yes, that was a transmission on the Troop radio.

9- “Food tastes better out of the garbage.” SPC Doc, trying to justify his propensity to rummage for scraps.

10- “Admit it, you missed me.”
“Naw, I didn’t.”
“Really?”
“Oh alright, come here and give me a man-hug. How was leave?”
“Wild. A crazy chick asked me to choke her out. It was awesome.”
“That sounds awesome. Can we stop hugging now?” PFC Van Wilder and SPC Big Ern. No commentary necessary.

11- “Prime, what are you reading up there? Playboy?”
“No, Sergeant. Popular Mechanics.” SFC Big Country and SPC Prime, after SFC Big Country heard muffled excitement coming from the driver’s hole of his Stryker.

12- “Wha ... huh? Last thing I remember I was awake. I promise. I thought my eyes were still open." SPC Cold-Nuts, upon finding himself in the gunner's cupola, drooling on himself, when his relief for guard duty woke him up.


13- "I think I hate the FOB more than I hate Iraq."
"No, you just don't understand the FOB. You hate the fobbits."
"Fine, I hate fobbits more than I hate Iraq." PV2 Stove Top and SSG Chico.

14- "This place is crazy! It's worse than the Superdome during New Orleans!" LT G looks over at the soldier who said this, shocked, and unable to respond. The soldier continues. "It's okay Sir, I'm black, I can say that!" SPC Haitian Sensation, as culturally sensitive as they come, commenting on the chaotic scene of a local Sheik's rice distribution near the combat outpost.

15- "I went to war and a garrison broke out." An Army-wide phrase gaining popularity amongst combat units, regarding the recentralized (as opposed to the decentralized concept espoused in counterinsurgency theory) war environment currently found in Iraq . The Gravediggers are no different in this regard.

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

Only 12?
Thanks for the smile today. I'm sure there's many more memories surrounding each of those. And they are quite excellent!
All y'all stay safe, sir.
Kath

Anonymous said...

Im in one of four showers. Flight quarters have been secured. Im in the northern indian ocean and have been for some time. 10 guys are waiting to use the shower. A question floats to me on the funky air. "Dude, what are you doin in there?" I reply,"So long as I'm doin it by myself don't sweat it."
Good Times!

DRZinn said...

"Last thing I remember I was awake. I promise. I thought my eyes were still open."

BTDT. Walking. Driving. But somehow, never sitting.

Anonymous said...

Fan-Tastic!

I laughed my chickenhawk butt off many times.

Make it home safe and start writing for a living, you've got the gift. It'd be a shame to squander it.

I love you all.

Anonymous said...

I just found your BLOG last week. Stumbled on it from Doonesbury. I check for updates daily and appreciate the time you put in. Your a great writer. Gives me some, albeit small, sense of what it is like to be there and also another perspective on the war. Something CNN and FOX fail miserably at.

...Soldiers stuck carrying out misbegotten ideas of elected "leaders". Come home safe, you have a great future ahead of you.

Anonymous said...

Having seen the size of Das Boot in your previous posts, I can only assume that if he is proportional, he would certainly have difficulty with an empty bottle.

Naturally, as former military myself, my first urge is to arrange a tour of Tijuana for the PV2. After enough fine beverages, one could compare him with the local donkeys. Be sure to have bail money before you go!

the walking man said...

Got me. Fucking A LT. laughing hard enough to wake the old lady up at 0445. Don't do that again...naw fuck it she don't need sleep as much as I need a laugh.

Peace

TWM

membrain said...

“That sounds awesome. Can we stop hugging now?”

All of it was funny, but this gets my vote for first place;-)

Anonymous said...

You guys are hilarious! Give Hatian Sens. a big hug and kiss for for me would ya? He's such a hottie!!

Stay safe!

|3run0 said...

"He was not deserting his men, the Iraqi Army captain insisted Wednesday. He had left his 70 soldiers in the midst of a battle in Sadr City the day before to take his long-overdue three-day break." [here]

When is your next three day break due man? You might want to schedule it for your next shootout... ;^)

Bag Blog said...

I bet you get a lot more 6th grade-boy-bathroom humor than you are letting on.

David M said...

The Thunder Run has linked to this post in the blog post From the Front: 04/18/2008 News and Personal dispatches from the front lines.

Anonymous said...

"SSG Bulldog, making a very vile post-carbomb scene okay for us to laugh about as a coping mechanism."

It's OK. It'll mess you up when you get back. My wife and kids won't go to movies with me. I laugh at the wrong times. Like when the bad guy is being fed into a nuclear paper shredder, one leg at a time.

I just bust out. Way better him than me. 'Cause it coulda been me. And since it (him, whatever, something) was out to do folks harm, it's OK if it hurts. A lot.

Normal folks just do not get that. I was gonna say more, but, if you have to explain . . .

That late night reality stuff sure is amusing.

LGD said...

#15 was the only quote I could share with some of my squeamish friends, but it was a great one.

Best wishes, Lt G, and to all the Gravediggers!

Macy said...

A very colorful post!

Fallen' Angel said...

If I didn't know better, I'd attribute at least one of these gems to my own guy in the sandbox.

Keep 'em comin! & Be Safe!

Anonymous said...

Never explain Military Humor to civilians they will not get it even then.

Loved them all. L O L till i had to go pee.

Consul-At-Arms said...

Your #15 ("I went to war and a garrison broke out.") is my quote of the day for today, sorry it took this long.

This has been going on since the very first rotation of troops in OIF1. Trust me. Everytime a military formation has deployed to Iraq for the first time with the same leadership (commissioned and command sergeant major) that it had in garrison, it has had to fight this internal battle, between the faction that wants to be saluted in the middle of a warzone to the actual soldiers who'd be happy to provide them with their desired "sniper checks" if only they were confident that the snipers would be able to remember which of them saluted and which were the salutees.

Linked here: http://consul-at-arms.blogspot.com/2008/04/quote-of-day.html

Scott said...

The last one is great!

Chris said...

These quotes are amazing! I laughed my ass off reading them, especially the water bottle quote and "I got my regulation size balls!" That's fucking funny shit. LT G, you should do a monthly quote board, unless you are saving them for your post-Iraq book deal!! I'm here in the sandbox also and can relate to everything you write. Give some props to your troops, you have a great platoon.