Saturday, May 3, 2008

Messing with the chAir Force

I know, I know. It’s not their fault. They don’t know any better. We’re all on the same team, we just have different specialties. Blah blah blah.

I don’t care if this comes off as short-sighted or harsh, funny is funny. And during a routine escort mission for a unit of Air Force civil engineers, funny happened. Since the Secretary of Defense thinks they aren’t pulling their weight right now, and I’m irreconcilably jealous of their six-month deployments, I don’t feel bad piling on the chAir Force like this.

Air Force Captain, obviously mesmerized by my gear rack and combat undershirt: “Wow … is that a different kind of material?”
LT G: “It’s just flame-retardant, Sir.”
Air Force Captain: “What? Why would you need that?”
LT G: “I guess they were having a problem with the normal cloth catching on fire after IED explosions.”
Air Force Captain, eyes wide open: “Oh … okay.” He then walks away from me, rather hastily, like I’m a man on fire at that very moment.

Air Force NCO, obviously mesmerized by SSG Bulldog’s M4 Carbine: “What’s all that on your rifle?”
SSG Bulldog: “Lasers.”
Air Force NCO: “What the hell are they for?”
SSG Bulldog, obviously disgusted at the nature of the question: “Well, theyz for lasering.”

Air Force Major 1: “Now, take care of them. They’ve never left the wire before.”
LT G: “We will, Sir. We can mess with them a little bit, if you want.”
Air Force Major 2: “Hah hah hah.”
Air Force Major 1: “Hah hah hah.”
Air Force Major 2: “Oh God … you’re not serious, are you?”
Air Force Major 1: “Hah hah hah.”
LT G: “Uhh, no, no Sir. Well. Actually, yes. Your call.”
Air Force Major 1: “Hah hah hah.”

SFC Big Country, pointing to one of the Air Force engineers deltoid wings, which are designed to wrap tightly around the deltoid to protect the arm from shrapnel. Instead, all of the engineers have their deltoid wings hanging loosely, flapping in the wind like actual wings: “Hey turbo, you want some help with those wings?”
Air Force engineer: “I got them on right. Sergeant.”
SFC Big Country: “You sure about that?”
Air Force engineer: “Yep. Sure am.”
SFC Big Country: “They’re for your arms. Not your nipples.”

Biggie Smalls: “LT, who are these men we pick up?”
LT G: “They are Air Force guys. They build stuff.”
Biggie Smalls: “Why are they all fat-bodies?”
(My crew breaks out into hysterics.)
SGT Cheech: “Too much FOB food, Biggie. They don’t sweat out the pounds all day and night like we do.”
PFC Boomhauer: “Yeah, and I bet even in the rear, they never did PT (physical training.) It sure don’t look like it.”
Biggie Smalls: “That is not fair! They must work hard like us and become slim like us!”
LT G: “Biggie, where did you learn the word ‘fat-body?’
Biggie Smalls: “One of the Big Sergeant’s (SFC Big Country) tough talks with platoon. He say ‘don’t be a fat-body!’ He is very good at yelling.”

SSG Bulldog, upon arriving at our combat outpost: “We’re here.”
Air Force engineer: “Phew. I can’t believe we made it here safe. Where were all the terrorists?”
SSG Bulldog, not a man known for his patience or understanding: “Get the hell out my Stryker.”


Grandpa said...

Now be fair Lt.G, did any of them once complain about the lack of a decent no foam, soy milk latte, once they left the wire?

EDeuce said...

well at least you and the rest of the gravediggers can be thankful your not airmen, and i REALLY hope those majors let you mess with their men a little

be603 said...

Be nice. They're a long way from a golf course. Maybe they'll build one for you before they leave.

Earl said...

Ah, I always looked at the allied troops and sister services and Non-airborne personnel as optional concealment devices for the really dangerous fellows to flow around dealing death... but I was too romantic about the whole warfair concept, buying and selling heroic adventures... just glad to have help anymore.

the walking man said...

Ha ha ha ha. excellent. "Get the hell out of my stryker!"

Shoulda' walked 'em out of the wire.



Phelps said...

You should be nice to the Air Farce. You're eventually going to need a ride out of that place.

Jim S. said...

Don't lose the sense of humor L.T. Never had much use for engineers of any species, but as phelps said, be nice as a ride out will eventually be needed. Keep your head down and aim straight and bring all the Gravediggers back on that flight. My prayers are with you.

Anonymous said...

now I don't look so crazy for leaving the chAir Force for the Army

Anonymous said...

Lt. G-I once was told by my AFJROTC instructor that he did not join the military. He joined the Air Force instead because he couldn't hack it.

Mike said...

Heh, I'm a year away from commissioning as a 2d Lt. in the Air Farce, and I thought that was funny as hell.

Anonymous said...

It kind of sounded like Air Force Major 1 would have been OK with you messing with them a little bit :)

Eirc S. said...

I was 1 of 3 Army units stationed at an Air Farce Base (No not a typo)in Germany. We used to laugh at them all the time. When they went on alert, they would drape Camo net's over the building (Buildings that had been there for years, and hence the enemy knew where they were) and increase their guard at the gate. And of course they would serve midnight chow.

As a side note, they did not even let us have our barracks on base. We were in downtown, about two blocks from the Bahnhof. Convenient for us.

Mezzo SF said...


Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Mass Hysterics!
They protect your arms, not your nipples....

Why ask to screw with them? Do it anyway, sometimes its better to ask forgiveness than permission. Besides, it'll give the fat-bodies a story to tell at the water cooler in the morning!

-Mrs. Flashback

Andy said...

The Air Force isn't pulling their weight? No way! They did increase their deployments from 3 months?

Macy said...

That WAS funny. Thanks!

Stay safe, as always.

Anonymous said...

Ahahaha! That's hilarious.

Keep it up and stay safe! :D

PS. By the way, you've got a security leak there:
"Air Force NCO, obviously mesmerized by SSG _____’s M4 Carbine"
Might want to fix that...

Anonymous said...

Geez, I usually try to add something witty. Looks like it's all been said.

"Get Out!"

Air Farce.

Two words, one concept. Done.

Anonymous said...

"they never did PT (physical training.) It sure don’t look like it.”

We did too. A mile and a half, at least once a year.

MSGt, (RET) chAir Force)

Anonymous said...

Funny is funny! Great post!
Cathy B

Anonymous said...

You know what , they are there and are volunteers and I thank them for it. Still funny as hell. when you run into the Navy let us know.

Sisu said...

SSG Bulldog has a way with the snark and the sarcasm (not unlike his LT)!

Mike said...

Anon MSgt, don't forget the pushups and situps...we're "fit to fight" now, remember?

membrain said...

Just got back from the dentist still woozy from the nitrous. So appropriate to have the afte effects of 'laughing gas' while reading one of the funniest posts in a long time.

May the Farce be with you. Especially if you have to call in and F-16;-)

Dennis said...

Everyone in the military has their assigned job. And then, there are the additional duties; the most important of which is to provide humor to everyone ELSE in the military.
Kudos to the Air Farcians for providing said humor, and to LT G for the 'reportage.'

David M said...

The Thunder Run has linked to this post in the blog post From the Front: 05/05/2008 News and Personal dispatches from the front lines.

remoteman said...

Great stuff. Love it when the Army rips on the Air Force. Stay safe.

Anonymous said...

Pure chowhall envy. Why do airmen fill their uniforms out maybe a little more than soldiers? They get decent food to eat. Count on it. By God, we run our mile and a half once a year. We do our 20 pushups! And if need be, we know which end of an M-16 to point at the other guy. Well, at least 9 times out of 10. Cut us some slack.

Keep up the good work LT.

Mark, Capt, USAF, Inactive (very)

maxxdog said...

Heh, any Navy he runs into is liable to be Seals. Maybe corpsmen.
Funny shit LT G. I hope you messed with 'em a little anyways.

mutt said...

HAR! By all means enjoy the you honest workin enlisted Engineer is a useful chap. you'd be surprised on how posh they can build a bunker, mortar pit, firing point, op, berm....worth jollying. I dont know about AF engineers- maybe they are weenies like the rest of that outfit- but Army Engineers are a jolly bunch, and can shoot.
mutt, old Combat Engineer.....

Anonymous said...

What a clever, clever post! You really made me laugh.

I agree with the one who said, "May the Farce be with you. Especially if you have to call in and F-16." And may that F-16 pilot be one who had a good night's sleep and has the most incredible eye-hand coordination in country.

tankerswife said...

It may be blasphemous having been born and bred in the AF, but that is just some funny shit! I wish I could have seen the looks on their faces. I know you're fairly occupied on these little country jaunts you take, but some time, you just have to take some pictures.

And by the way, I broke form and married Army. I've been schooled properly. :-D Hooah!

Anonymous said...

Good stuff Lt. I got one I'd like to share, though.

LSA Anaconda-Air Force side.

Two Army SPCs in Humvee: Hey dude, cool jets. Are those F-14's?

Me: No Bro, You're thinking of Top Gun. This is Iron Eagle.

SPC 1: Oh. Can we write on a bomb?

Me: Yeah, no problem (reaching in toolbox) here's a grease pencil.

SPC 2: Thanks man

SPC 1: Can we write on that really big one?

Me: No. That's a fuel tank.

Much love to you guys. There's a reason you never find any good blogs or books written by Air Farce mechanics.

Anonymous said...

Now stop picking on the AF, they do -- uh -- yeah, they do stuff, too. (Don't really know what it is, but -- hey, they look good in their uniforms, right?)
Have to say, it's an Army guy for me.

Kimberly said...

funny as hell!!

Teflon Don said...

Heh. I distinctly remember having Conversation #1 with a staff Major.

To Jim S, "Never had much use for engineers of any species":

You'd appreciate the hell outta combat engineers if you were over in Iraq these days. They're the ones that pull IEDs outta the ground for you. Navy Seabees are pretty useful too.